Do you deem yourself as authentic?
I know I've personally struggled, and in a sense, feared being authentic. To some that may sound silly. But to others, the thought of being our true selves out in the world is honestly so frightening that blending in just seems like the better route.
For me, blending in meant that I would be accepted by everyone, or at least that's what I thought. One of the biggest hurdles for many not embracing authenticity is the fear of rejection, the fear of not being loved, and quite possibly the fear of being crucified for simply being you.
From a young age I was always told that I was oh so "mature" for my age. I quite honestly hated it. Why? Well, because everything that was cool, or funny, to the rest of my peers was quite honestly not amusing to me. I'm also a reserved person. It's my way of feeling the people around me before I open my heart. If I trust you, psh I become a chatter box, trust me!
But, for most of my life, I really thought there was something wrong with my personality. I thought I was super weird for being so deep and looking at things beyond what the eye sees. So, since no one around didn't embrace who I was, I began to conform to what society, or culture, classified as "cool". Yup, I stopped being the book nerd I am and began to transform into an "it" girl. Clothes became what others were wearing, the hem line was raised, makeup was caked on, and my personal development? Psh out the door! For 3/4 of my life I didn't tap into who Alexis was.
Well, as life will always do, it let me know all to well that the lie I was living was going to have to stop. It took my entire life, as I knew it at the time, to completely diminish before my eyes. I lost friends, my long term relationship ended, and I even ended up losing my job. I was screaming out to God just saying, "Why is my life falling apart? What did I do?" As if someone was in my room with me, I heard a voice say,
"It's falling apart because I can't let you live like this. It's time to be you".
See, at the moment I didn't know, nor recognize, just how much of my life was not mine. I thought I was supposed to look good to please a man. I thought I was suppose to look, be, and act a certain way to be accepted. Sadly, that's such a lie. There is no guarantee you are going to be liked by everyone. In fact, you wont! But, would you rather live a lie and still not be liked, or would you rather be 100% authentically you regardless of the outcome? It took my life crumbling before my eyes for me to truly understand I needed to be myself.
So, with an opportunity in hand, I picked up and moved to Texas and on the journey I had to let go of a lot of things. It was almost divine that I had only my car to fill. At the time I could not afford a moving truck. So, the time came for me to start throwing out some stuff. I began with my immense amount of makeup. I had bought so much that a good 50% of it was expired. The rest I didn't need I gave to my mother. She was thrilled.
I then tackled my closet. Talk about a process. There were some clothes that were easier to get rid of. Why? Well, they simply didn't fit me anymore. However, the rest I seemed to have an attachment too. I had lots of club outfits. Like a lot! I wanted to keep them somehow some way just in case. I also kept telling myself that I am only young once and gosh darn it, I need to embrace this body I have! But, somewhere really deep within, I felt a slight nudge tell me donate them. You aren't this girl anymore.
Now, I wouldn't recall myself as being a club girl. To be honest I hated actually going to clubs when I turned 25. A girl just got tired too early and those heels weren't so comfy anymore. But, I wanted to hold on to them because the people I wore them for always gave me compliments in them. However, when my wisdom kicked in I realized that the compliments from those people, in reality, didn't care about the real me. They only applauded the fake me. The me that made them feel better.
To make a long story short, I literally was only able to take 5 trash bags of clothes with me, and a hamper full of shoes. Oh yeah, your girl had to let go of some shoes too. Initially, the process sucked! I didn't want to let anything go. Those things represented all the years, money, and effort I put into being "her". But, I was quickly reminded of what I was going towards. I was embarking on a new life. A new start. A new beginning to know me again for the first time in my life. Everything I donated was replaceable. But my peace and my journey to self? I only had one shot and I was not going to miss it.
I say all of this to say, embrace who you are. There is so much power in your authenticity. Learning myself again has made me love myself even more. Trust me, there are still days where my flaws are hard to accept. I have bad days. But, when I have those moments where I want to give up and just be like the others and get all of this plastic surgery and what not, I think of the girl I left behind. She was lost. She was confused. She didn't know how beautiful she truly was and the gifts she had on the inside. What she deemed as weird was actually a gift from God.
I stand here today, a woman in her last year of her 20's, more at peace than I ever have been. Who said you can't be a sexy book nerd? Who ever said being deep was weird and not beneficial? Just because others don't understand you doesn't mean no one will. It also doesn't mean something is wrong with you. The right people will understand you. You can have balance in your life. But always making sure you stay true to yourself, and making decisions from your perspective, is truly the key to freedom.
Stay safe and talk soon....