Change is hard. Ask anyone. Change requires a person to literally erase what they are used to doing. If you think changing procedures at work causes your brain to feel like one big mess of tangled up christmas lights, imagine the jumbled mess change happening from within feels like.
Being on my own journey of change, or emotional purging I’d like to call it, I can confidently say I’ve ruffled some feathers. I honestly completely forgot about the part where people might not honor my growth. Somewhere in my mind I just thought everyone that knew me in my old ways, would embrace this new version of Alexis. But, I’ve been proven wrong BIG time.
This change I am currently going through is all on the inside. I’ll put it to you like this. I actively dig deeper & deeper into my mind, my soul, and my spirit, on a daily basis, to clean out old thought patterns, understand my pain, heal that inner girl inside of me that’s been scarred, and stepping into the woman I was created to be. It’s exhausting! If you’ve been here before, or are currently on a similar journey, be expected to be a human vegetable sometimes. There are many days where I can barely think where I left my keys, and they would be in my hands. Yeah.....those days.
What sprung this change was moving to Texas. I literally had a door open with my name on it, took a leap of faith, packed my car with the clothes I had, a blowup mattress to sleep on, and drove from Florida to Texas. Haven't looked back since. I honestly thank God for this because without His will and unconditional love, I would not be here.
I left everything, and everyone, I knew for my entire life. I had to. The environment was so toxic that I’m surprised I made it this far. But again, all praise goes to God for getting me out.
Change of environment is key to heal. I am 100% an advocate of that. Now I can’t lie. When I initially arrived to Texas, I felt sad. It was raining and cold for 4 days! I was expecting rays of sunshine, green luscious grass, and just a picture perfect scenery when I arrived. I questioned many times why I came here. Money was limited as my new job didn’t start for an entire week, and I used every last dollar to hold my apartment and pay for gas to get there. Talk about relying on God to provide.
Its been about 3 months now, and I’m getting stronger by the day. But, what I have noticed is this new Alexis, isn’t being embraced by those I left.
For years I’ve allowed the opinions of others to dictate my life. I had to always inform everyone what I was doing, where I was going, explain the why to everything I did. Like I was a child. And, being here on my own I’ve loved not having to answer to anyone but myself. But, as you can probably expect, people aren’t happy. And you know what......I don’t care. Better yet, I CAN'T care anymore for everyone. I can’t care what other people support and not support. Why? Because doing that for years killed me. It killed my growth. It killed who I was in the past. And, for anyone who knows this feeling, we must be selfish. Not because we don’t care. We do! But, we must care for ourselves first, and love others from a distance.
I know what you’re thinking. If you’re like me, who has been so conditioned to giving and giving, right now as you read this article, your chest is tightening, your heart might be racing a bit, and you’re already feeling overwhelmed with guilt. Its part of the process. Your brain is trying to tell you to revert back to a set of habits it’s used to. But, if you’re serious about you’re healing and growth, I need you to use all the mental strength you have to NOT practice those hold habits. Even if you need to tell yourself out loud “No! Stop feeling guilty!” then do it. Your life depends on it.
I wrote this honestly for myself. A reminder to myself. And for anyone who reads this, know you’re not alone. It’s okay to be selfish with your time. To reclaim everything you’ve lost. To love yourself. To heal yourself. Keep going. Keep pushing. Keep fighting for YOU.
You. Got. This.